Monday, June 06, 2005

Inspector Tai Lam Par Chronicles

I was in the midst of having my normal dinner of nasi lemak bungkus with ayam and hati goreng when HQ radioed me to investigate a simple case of theft. Fark... can't I finish my nasi lemak first? nothing should come in between me and that super-licious smelling rice and that oohh sooo yummy ayam goreng and that ohhh soooo sinful hati goreng and that sambal belacan just kills me.... but duty calls.

It wasn't very difficult for me to find that house. One must be farking blind to miss all the blue and red lights blinking pass your eyes every second or so. Moments later, I managed to park my unmarked Proton Wira outside this simple linked house. Already my colleagues from the station have cordoned off the area. Suddenly, I sense that this isn't a simple case of house theft. Why? Because a reporter from the 5Star have already arrived. Damn... these guys have a super nose for sniffing investigative reporting, especially Dick Tomatoski. Heck, I super hate his nose but thankfully, I don't see him with this reporting crew. Good. I always had a certain hunch that 5Stars owner and chief editor, Viewtru have a certain twisted agenda. After all, he always claims to be an intelectual writer.

"Tuan! Kami sudah secure kawasan. The owners are inside the house, Sir!". I gave a nod of acknowledgement to Sargeant Simon and walked to the crime scene. It was clean... just a gaping hole left on the driveway. It had all the signs of a professional job. No wonder the 5Star is here.

Inside the house sat the owner, his wife and two kids. Simon passed me his preliminary report and as always, he has conveniently listed everything in Top Ten format. The owner's name is Belacan and his wife Mrs.B. Who the fuck calls himself Mr Belacan? Left on the table, belacan looks just like shit! No wonder his wife calls herself Mrs.B... and does she look mmmmm... Stop! Stop! work beckons.

"Mr Belacan? I am Inspector LP Tai and I shall be the investigating officer for your case"

"Inspector L... P ... Tai? You look vaguely familiar... it's like I have seen you before..."

"Well, I have overseen a few high profile cases before, so you may have seen me over the TV", I tried to sound authoritative and important.

"No, no... not over the TV but internet. But I just can't finger it...."

"Well, that's not important as I am here to -"

"YES! Now I've got it! You have a large similarity to Kenny Sia, the finalist for the Malaysian Blog of the Year!"

Kenny Sia, nominated for Blog of the Year 2005 Posted by Hello

"Who the fark? Look, I don't know who is this Sia fella... my full name is Inspector Tai Lam Par and I will be asking the questions from now on", said I with a stern and authoritative voice. That made this annoying Belacan quiet, but I don't like the look of controlled sniggering on his face. What has my name, Tai Lam Par got to do with this fella? It's as though we are from the same coconut tree. Damn... he looks like piece of shit to me now.

"Ahem... according to your statement, Mrs B found out about the theft first?"

"Yes, inspector", replied Mrs B. Oooo... her voice is sooo sweeet. What is she doing married to this spicy fella? Tien arrrr, why must the pretty ones be paired with unsavoury looking fellas like Belacan? Where is the justice? "Please continue Mrs.B. I want to hear your swee.. *cough cough* statement personally..."

"Well, I was driving and had already opened the automatic gate. As I was driving in, suddenly my neighbour's kids ran out frantically waving and shouting at me to stop. I managed to stop the car and when I got down, I was told that someone had stolen our draincover. My car was just a wheel turn away from dropping into that gaping hole", said a cool and elegant Mrs.B. Hmmm... she looks quite tall, must have long legs.... Stop!

"And you, Mr Belacan?"

"Oh, Mrs B already sms'd to me that our draincover was stolen so I parked outside the house"

"And the neighbour's kids? Did they see anything?"

Sargeant Simon, "Tuan, here's the statement from the Charlie Kids.
(1) The elder Charlie, Sabrina saw the whole thing from her window upstairs.
(2) It was about 7pm that
(3) she heard a motorbike outside the house, so
(4) she looked out and saw
(5) this guy, with brown complexion and wearing a blue jacket,
(6) bent down from the bike and with one swoop lifted up the Belacan's draincover.
(7) The suspect then rode to the otherside of the road and
(8) adjusted the cover to fit into his jacket and then rode off.
(9) The whole incident took only about a minute.
(10) Sabrina didn't manage to see the kapchai's number plate

"Swooped down just like that eh? A real professional".

"Not only that Sir. Two weeks ago, the Charlie's own draincover was stolen too, but as they had a spare, they didn't make a report."

"What? This guy is a Serial Draincover Snatcher! Alert HQ immediately. And go get Mack to do a profiling on this Serial Draincover Snatcher pronto. And if he doesn't do it quickly, I will take his monster for a spin! That should be arm twisting enough."

After that I took leave from the Belacan family.... man, he still does look like a piece of shit to me. Anyway, I missed my nasi lemak bungkus dinner. I feel so tired and Jaded... I think I will go wallow in a mudpond and maybe, just maybe a little bird will pass me some info to solve this case.... if not, I will definitely feel like a moron.


(a) the red font sentences are TRUE. Yes, our draincover was stolen last night. MCH! KNN! CB!
(b) the links are to the Blog of the Year, Neophyte of the Year and Ping of the Year finalists. Visit them ;)

Belacan rants.... MCH! KNN! CB! TNS!


A. Zulkifli said...

oi ... hands of the monster. it bites ... LOL

5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

Scrap metal worth some money mah. Think what kind of injury they may cause. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

But Mr B's brain juice must be oozing, so clever to string all the links together.

SiaoChaBoa said...

See MrB.. i told yer.. you should do something about your creative writing..! I thoroughly enjoyed this read.. ! :)

Lucia Lai said...

ooh for a moment i thought i was reading viewtru's writing. hmm... so you are as much creative as viewtru with fiction. :)
yes very creative to use the names of the nominated blogs. next time must add some spice (to your belacan) to it by mentioning sex like viewtru.

zbjernak said...

i guess we r having a hard time...here....

sigh... luckily neighbour shouted...else u need to change rim somemore...

when the buying stops, the stealing can too...

shouldnt the goverment do something on those scrap metal dealers? those thief cant melt the drain cover right...they must send there in a whole piece...

momof2 said...

fortunately/unfortunately (depends on how you look at it) drain cover only... for a moment i thought is was a case burglary!

pink rabbit said...


you had me there.....luckily i was just the drain cover.......

but why huh??? they took mine too from my mom's house

minishorts said...


uncle are you going to the bash?

visithra said...

Scrap metal - good prize la - the covers in front of my house also were stolen - now my mom has to keep an eye all the time.

heheh really creative storyla

Papi said...

Mami have been 'bugging' me to super-glue the drain cover. Looks like I have to work on it ASAP...heheheh..

viewtru said...

Sorry to hear about the drain cover. But it's a good thing its not too costly. Ahhh.....Tai Lam Pah must be both a Cantonese and Hokkien fella! And has difficulty in walking!

water_junk said...

my neighbours drain covers in pusat bandar puchong were stolen too... apparantly 1 row of drain covers kena tapau'ed by them (using a kancil i heard)

lucky i cemented mine muahhahahah

die thieves die!

Belacan said...

Mack: noooo.... i need the monster! ;)

Lilian: initially, i drafted a super rant post ala FA but after that, nah... i would prefer Inspector Tulan but then, Viewtru already has ChinTuLan. hahahaha!

MrsT: ah, tq tq. i enjoyed writing it too. you should have seen the smirk on my face!

Lucia: sex? no preoblem. me buaya mar. muahahahar!

zbjernak: ya, we are blessed with a good neighbour. scrap metal now can fetch RM1,500 per ton ler. i wager that mine easily fetched that KNN guy RM15 for one easy swoop job.

momof2: ya, fortunately not something worse. yes, counting our blessings ;)

Belacan said...

pink rabbit: easy money ler, and if kena tangkap will probably get a slap on the wrist only. this is classified as petty theft.

Minishorts: err, dunno yet lar. may have to go outstation then.

visithra: quick! go bolt them down!

papi: ya got to use either bolts or cement it down. bolts are better as cement cracks easily as it is just a surface job.

Viewtru: hahaha! *wipes tears off eyes*

waterjunk: wahlaueh! cemented eh? good on ya ;)