Friday, June 03, 2005

Ladies, treat your man like a...

Ok, ok, this is an old post from my previous blog. Next week i will be very very busy, so no time to blog blog. If I am not mistaken, this was posted on 22 Feb 2005. So here goes... ;)


It's really funny what insights I have when talking one-on-one with someone over cendol.

As I was happily slurping away the gula melaka flavoured melted ice with green strands of jelly and some red beans, my very-attractive and single friend mentioned that a close buddy of hers said that she was too relax and easy going with all her ex-bf's. That was when, with green jelly stucked in between my teeth, I blurted out that:

"Ladies should treat their man like their pet dog"

Guys, kill me before I reveal more secrets!

Anyway, for the benefit of my very-attractive and single friend, here are my mangled half-baked thoughts on relationship management for ladies.

#1: Leash your man appropriately
Men, like dogs, like to get out of the house and roam the neighbourhood
- barking and insinuating at other male dogs (hey! i'm out here and you're in there, muahahahar!)
- chasing pussies (come here meow!), and
- sniffing other bitches you-know-where.
- If it's territorial, he might even pee to mark "Iwuzhere".

Accept it. You can't keep a good dog home all the time. You got to let him out (see my fellow buaya's? I am helping out here) but of course, you don't want your dog to mix with other bitches and chase pussies all over the place, right? What a nuisance. So what do you do as the responsible "dog owner"?

Well, you will take your dog for walks but put him on a leash, of course. Now, the tricky part is how long is the leash gonna be and when to yank back hard on that naughty fella. Too long a leash and he gets out of sight and too short a leash, he may turn on you and bite bite. Bad dog bad dog. Hence you have to leash him appropriately. Of course, if it's a walk into pussy country, you would want to keep a tighter and shorter leash on your guy, I mean dog. You know lar, when dogs see pussies they go hyper and wanna chase them. arf arf arf! awoooo! dogs....

So likewise, you wanna "leash" your man but not overly leashed until the poor guy suffocates lar. One day he may just turn on you and cabut lari to join a pack of sex-crazed pack of old dogs and bitches, going "awoooo" in the middle of the night.

Possible side-effects of an over-leashed dog
On a serious note, I know of a few couples where the wife is super-queen control. Anywhere the husband wants to go, he's got to ask for queen permission first. For example, it's a harmless reunion dinner with high school buddies and that got turned down in a loud "NO!" in front of everyone. For goodness sakes! A discreet "no" will suffice. Why show your queen power? "Jatuh air muka" hubby only in front of his close friends and that's bad.

Why bad? Over the years, because the buddies didn't want to spoil their marriage, he may get left out from his friends activities. Over the years, he gets more lonely, more henpecked and feels lesser of a man, turning more and more into a tikus. If he is handsome and quite well-off, another bitch may just come and let him smell her, and if he's addicted - adios queen and children. Sad isn't it? And the real casualty of war is always the innocent children.

Remember, "leash training can never replace a bond of trust that can only come from treating your pet fairly". Quoted from 101-dog-training-tips.com
Important note: I ask permission from Mrs.B too but the difference is that she knows what's ok and what's not ok, and we ask each other "permission" out of love rather than fear. It's good to let your significant other know where you are.
Leash as a communicating tool
Dog trainers use the leash and collar as a tool to train and correct the dog on certain behaviours. Certain dogs are very motivated to disobey, hence you will need to communicate more with your dog but becareful not to nag nag nag the dog until it's totally ineffective.

Yup, we have come into the communication thingy again. In any marriage counselling sessions, the first thing they will assess is your level of communication. We can't escape it - we are only human when we communicate.
The first thing obedience training does is to create a common language for you and your dog. This, in turn, lets your dog know the proper response (behavior) that you expect in place of socially maladaptive behavior. The obedience trained dog can respond properly to your commands, instead of neurotically trying to please and becoming ever more anxious with your displeasure. Source
See? Even pet dog training has communication thrown in, what more husbands and wives?

#2: Pat on the head and stroke the chin
It was interesting to read that reward training, usually involving food, is the only way to train some complex behaviours like teaching your dog to skateboard! Once the dog has completed a certain trick or behaviour, it is rewarded with food or "good boy" or a pat on the head or stroking of the chin.

Now what can you ladies learn from here? Are you annoyed that your hubby throws his smelly socks and underwear just anywhere except the laundry basket? Are you annoyed that your hubby wakes up late every morning (now who's this guy - buaya69 looking innocent)? Are you annoyed that he doesn't help out in the house? Are you annoyed that he works later and later into the night and weekends? etc etc etc.

Well, keep an eye and ear open for opportunities to use the reward training method. As rewards, food and sex comes to mind... So please go enrol yourself into the super-cook classes and get yourself that hot-gucci-mama lingerie and keep doing those pelvic exercises ;) ;) ;)

#3: Stay relaxed so you don't upset your dog
Source: Do's and Don'ts for the obedience ring - Chery May

Yup, us men/dogs are easily upset by growling, snapping, nag nag nag, barking, kicking, plate-throwing, women of our lives. We would cower snivelling in a dark corner, and amidst all the hullabaloo, still non-comprehendo what-the-fark is the mistress ranting about. You see, dogs have limited power of vocabulary. They understand actions more than words, hence have no farking idea what you are ranting about. If your doggy misbehaves, take a deep deep breathe, let out a long long sigh, and then yank that fella's leash but never ever suffocate that poor naughty fella lar. After all, you women are more used at grabbing balls than us men. hehehe

Jatuh air muka - Malay saying for "lost of face"

Buaya69.... awooooo! awoooo!


SuNfLoWeR said...

Interesting tips there :D

Must find myself a dog.. errr... a man first before can train like dat hehehe...

Another interesting thing, I just put a cendol link to lilian in my entry and discover you put one too. Albeit, a different cendol entry but still we got cendol in our mind :)

thquah said...

Usually we don't asked "permission" if we want to do certain things that is generally OK (going out with friends having a drink - me ,shopping - her, our own hobbies, etc)We just informed each other where we are going.Communication is the key to have a successful partnership.Very well written. I like it.

5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

The re-run of the Classic Buaya is never boring. Love reading it again and again.

SiaoChaBoa said...

Well said..well said.. MrB...!
Wanna write a book about it..?? afterall.. some fella wrote .. "He just not into you " and Oprah raved about it.. on her show..!! and it was sold out the day it was released in our bookshop..! Cannot believe it.. but yours will definitely be more interesting.. MrB..!! and can also send a copy to Oprah.. and maybe get international aclaim.. huh..?? wach you think..?? game..?? hehheeh!! think about it.. :)

MunKit said...

mau kena hentam for da 2nd time

S-Kay said...

Yeah...re-run is always nice to read especially a nice post like this from Mr.B =P I remember dropping a comment for this post before this so no need to do it again on the same topic lah yeah? ;) Have a great weekend

viewtru said...

A lady met a genie who granted her one wish. And the lady asked that her pet dog be transformed into a man. The genie asked "Why?"
And the lady answered,
"Because my pet dog walks obediently besides me. He sits when I tell him to sit, and stay when I tell him to stay. He is always happy to see me and never gets too tired to play with me. Doesn't seem too fussy with food. My pet dog is the perfect companion. Only a man with these qualities can share my bed!"

So the genie transformed the dog into a handsome hunk, and his first words were:
"Lady, you really need to get your brains examined. I'm the perfect companion only because you took me to the vet and got me neutered! Now why the fuck would you want me to share your bed?"

saRah said...

haha. original~

viewtru: haha~

mumsgather said...

Oh you lazy man you, recycyling blogs again are you but like 5Xmom said its always nice to read again. You should recycle more of your earlier ones from 2004 cos I missed out on those. Hehe.

sexymama said...

Beware of those who eat dog meat.....HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Belacan said...

sunflower: i am sure any dog... i mean, man, would be willing to follow you home. ;)

thquah: thanks quah. i like your blog too and have linked you

Lilian: thanks, still have a few more that i managed to save under Words but they were drafts ler, not the final posted punya *sulk sulk*

MrsT: write a book? hahaha! i think i may kena a class action suit from husbands all over the world!

Munkit: hoi bro! just for you, i will write a MCP post on how to treat women. muahahahahar!

Skay: i think i remember your comments then. honest and farny at the same time - i like :)

Viewtru: ROTFLMAO!

Sarah: hi Sarah, lama tak jumpa :)

MG: aiyoh, i wished i could but stupid me tak back them up ler :(

Sexymama: awooooooo!