Saturday, April 16, 2005

Becoming the Man in her life (Part 2)

2. Grow a listening ear and a communicative tongue

OK, we men marry because of lust and sex, admit it! But women marry because they wanted a soul mate, someone they can share and talk to (like to their girlfriends *rolleyes* but that's another post). Frankly, we men are lousy in this area because we don't respond well to what we listened. I personally tend to give solutions to every single thing my wife brought up but many a times, she just wanted to talk (ahem, I still make this mistake today but very much lesser lar).

To be her Man, I gave my wife freedom to express her mind (like women these days needed permission to speak their mind....) and I try to tune in to her feelings that are many a times unspoken (I still hate this, men are not natural born mind readers ya hear?). Many relationship authors have mentioned that failure in communication is probably the most common reason for marriages to break-up.

Here's a tip: My ranking for listening shot through the roof when I learnt to shut my mouth, digest what she just said, and then give my carefully worded reply. hahahahar! tough eh? heck, carefully worded replies are better than having a misunderstanding and fire-fighting later, trust me.

3. Make family decisions - take the lead

This is the area I failed the most and contributed significantly to the whole heartache/drama in my first 3 years of marriage. My wife had an impression that I am not making enough family decisions. The truth is I saw her as capable, that's why I married her - I wanted a smart wife, and I sort of like let her make some decisions - thinking that she would be happy that I allowed her to make family decisions! What misconception I had!

As the modern sensitive man that I am (ahem), I thought that smart working career woman like my wife would have liked their husband to give them more freedom that what their moms/aunties had decades ago. When some family matters were brought to the table, and I know that I would be happy with whatever decision she make, I would say something like "Up to you, anything you like dear". Of course I was dumbfounded when she became extremely unhappy – isn't that what she wanted? Didn't I agree with her idea? The unhappier she was, the more I agreed with whatever she wanted. Needless to say, that got me more into trouble waters!

Things were so bad that I finally snapped out of the spiral, by God's grace, when I suddenly realised that this was the missing link (about time, duh?). Therefore to be the Man, be seen to make wise decisions for the family. The bucket stops at your feet. If possible, do not trouble your wife to play the role of a Man for the family. That’s your job! Not only the Man must make the final decision, he also takes the initiative to implement the decision. Of course, some actions would be delegated to the wife or jointly acted upon especially in areas of parenting.

4. TLC

Every wife would like her Man to cherish and love them. This is different from the "decide to love your wife" in the previous post. This calls for actions of love and giving praises. Women are creatures of little things, they like small cutesy stuffs (like diamond rings? yikes!), hugs and holding hands in public and little love notes of sincere appreciation or praises. As the Man of her life, I have to be concerned about her health, looks, career, dressing, hair colour, perfume, condition of the car (haiks!) - all things that concerns her. Once she knows that you do care about her, wahlaueh, go reap the rewards lar! It is frequently said that behind a successful man is his wife. We should equally stand behind our wife - she expects her Man to support (protect) her when it matters.

Conclusion: So where are we now?
I am glad the first 3 years are over. This month is our 6th anniversary (oops, 7th year itch coming soon!) [additional note: the original post was in November 2004]. We are very much comfortable and happy with each other now. She has changed a lot too, from smart independent career woman, to loving wife and mother. These days, she is not as ambitious as before and values time with family more than working late hours. But I guess she changed because I changed first.

The above are just my sincere sharing. I am by no means the best husband around and am still learning everyday, but I think the worst days of my marriage have passed (Praise be to the Lord). The above pointers can be read in many relationship books but I especially recommend:

* Husbands & Fathers: Rediscover the Creators Purpose for Men by Derek Prince (ISBN: 1852402733).

Its 150 pages are easy to read and straight to the point. Wished I found it earlier though ;) Thanks for reading my 6th Anniversary post.

Buaya69 - out.

but now Belacan in. Thanks for reading my "recycled" post, have a good weekend ;)


SiaoChaBoa said...

In which MrT responded .. that "all women are crazy" .. hahhahhha!!
But yes.. belachan.. i think you are right.. in all your points..! bravo..!! and a happy anniversary to you .. and MrsB.

5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

Happy anniversary Mr and Mrs B! I just came back from attending the very first church wedding (nvr been to church for wedding b4). May you both walk side by side in this journey of life. *ahem, can preach dy*

Twinsmom said...

always enjoying reading your post about marriage relationship, enlighten.
I think a lot of marriage couple gone through the almost same hardship like your and Mrs.B (Mrs.B cried in the room and you slept in the living room, very much like what me and twinsdad dad had gone through).
and reading what you write actually help me to understand what man actually think, seriously I don't know man, twinsdad was my first boyfriend, that's it, I once told him I thought we both think the same, he said: "might as well I become a woman."
good post.

Twinsmom said...

Happy Anniversary to Mr. and Mrs. Belacan :).

Mossie`Ol Chin said...

aiyah, belacan, u outdated liao ler... nowadays is no more 7 years itch ler, it's 4 years itch... but since u sudah lepas itu 4 tahun, then ok lah now i guess... no problem one! wish you happy anniversary and continue to make more babies!

SuNfLoWeR said...

very interesting point of view there. glad u make the decision not to become part of the country's divorce statistic.

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE." -unknown-

happy aniversary 2 u and wife.

Wingz said...

Kunghei Kunghei! my story a lil bit different ... we got our own department to handle one and we got veto in our dept. ie : shes in charge of meals/food/snacks/beverage and im in charge of maintenance/repairing/renovation/appliances thats just one of the example and both of us got multiple responsibilities to handle also. i guessed that worked out pretty much ok, so far so good :)

mystic said...

Happy Anniversary Mr & Mrs B. Wah, your post hor very profound leh.

S-Kay said...

I love your post.....will post my thoughts in my site. Dun wanna flood it in your box =)

CherryChocolateCandy said...

B korkor..hehe...Happy 6th Wedding Anniversary. May you have many many many more anniversaries to celebrate.
You're such a good husband. I will want my husband to be modelled after u lahhh..
With God's grace, I am sure you and B che che will have a very very happy marriage and don't worry..there won't be any 7 year itch!

atiza said...

happy 7th anniversary mr & mrs B..

u sure its 7th year itch..i thought its 8th?

Bart said...

Thank you for the sharing. Happy Anniversary!

Belacan said...

MrsT: you know, MrT may be right! joking joking ;)

Lilian: thanks but actually, my anniversary was in November last year. this is a "recycled" post, remember? hehehe. look out for my 7th anniversary post this november, muahahahar!

Twinsmom: a marriage is a bed of roses, with nice petals and thorns ;)

mossie: 4 years! wahlaueh, me really outdated liao ;)

sunflower: wow, enlightening. thansk for sharing :)

wingz: hehe, running your home like a manufacturing plant eh? so got monthly report or not? hehehe ;)

Mystic: thank you *takes a bow*

Skay: hey SK, you are always welcome to flood my e-space ;)

cherry: model after me?!? nanti you regret leh, as i was a buaya in my "past" life ;) wishing you all the best too, in MBA and boy boy ;)

mumsgather said...

Glad you recycled your post coz I missed them the first time. Great stuff.

shidah said...

belacan:I was smiling all the way while reading your post. err... very similar to what i want - guess my hubby can stand me for 11 years due to the same reason - 1,2 & 3. But he is not so good at no 4 ... meybe he'll learn ... :) P/s very happy to know that you r still blogging!

teetwoh said...

I think men of the same age go through the same experiences at about the same time - I am just in the thick of this phase.

Mama22Beas said...

I came across an article in Nature recently, a study shows the difference between men and women is discovered from the basic characteristics of the chromosom Y and X.
As for listening ear, once awhile I surprise hubby by asking him to repeat the last few words I just say during our conversation. So far so good.
Very good reading Belacan...thanks and Happy Anniversary, too.

5xmom ~chanlilian.net~ said...

Hahaha, Belacan looks like you owe Mrs B one anniversary gift since so many of us already wished you. Mrs B get double celebrations.

viewtru said...

I've often wondered that when old blogs die, where do they go?
Ah, so this is where the phoenix rises!
Happy sixth anniversary!

Anonymous said...

you're very funny :)


chrissy said...

had to think for 2 whole days before knowing what to comment.....still dont know what to comment but i've forwarded your posts to DHSBN (my hubby la)....very enlightening he says!

The celebration is but 1 day, the journey is 1 lifetime. Belated Happy Anniversary to Mr & Mrs B!!

narrowband said...

I reckon that women who read this post forward ur article to their hubbies :p While the rest find it enlightening (like me). Happy family betul. Hey, happy (upcoming) 6th anniversary!

Pantani's 2nd Cousin said...

Now that Hustler has retired and moved to Amsterdam (and u know which district he moved to lah), u are the next to tow the line. What is your comment on this?

Anonymous said...

happy belated anniversary mr & mrs b...

oh mr b! i just love these two posts.. i've just started my marriage and it's not doing too well... and reading your recycled posts actually gave me a better understanding of men and what marriage is about... i hope to make things work on my side... regards! -summer-