Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Buaya69 memories: How my toenail died on me

Dear friends,

It's time to rehash some old Buaya69 tales. Why? Coz busy lor, so dig dig my archive for the few saved posts in MS Words lor. Hehehe. Hope you enjoy this as did I when I reread it. Cheerio!

This really happened but all the names have been changed.

Sometime in the early 1990s. I was in my final semester at a local university. It was about 9pm, the night air was slightly chill with a cool breeze blowing. I was with Kelly, my then GF/squeeze, at her hostel's bicycle/motorcycle shed. We just had a nice romantic fluorescent lit university cafe (canteen) dinner (I bought dinner and drinks, all for a princely sum of RM5) and also a nice romantic motorbike cruise under a moon-lit sky around the university's vast grounds. Sitting on my Yamaha 88 motorcyle at the shed, I could still feel her B cupped breasts pressed against my back and her arms wrapped around my waist. Now she is standing beside me, looking delectable in her tight tee and jeans and wavy black hair, holding my hands, not wanting to let go.

(Ahem, a bit of shakespearish-drama-minggu-ini in the following Buaya69-Kelly conversation):
Buaya69: Go my love, although my heartaches at the sight of you walking away, but do your project paper you must! Else you fail at this term's paper.

Kelly: No my love, although holding hands with you here, the wrath of the pakcik guard we may incur, I care not the consequences! I want to be with you until the morning sun lights up the sky.

Buaya69: Have no fear, the rose of my heart, although tomorrow seems like an eternity, go you must, and finish the project you must! I insist, my love.
Relunctantly, she released my hand, and as she entered her hostel, she gave a longing glance back to me, I waved at her, blew her a kiss. I still sat there on my Yamaha 88, looking at her room's window. The light came on, then I saw her at the window, and she blew me a kiss. I animately caught it with my hand and then drew it to my heart. She smiled. I bid farewell and then kicked started my Yamaha 88 and proceeded to reverse the motorcycle with my legs. (For the priviledged, motorcycles do not have a reverse gear!).

That's when it happened. I felt cold steel brushed against my right foot and then a sharp ant like bite pain (I was wearing the mandatory undergraduate footwear, a japanese slipper). I suddenly realised that I had not raised my motorcycle's stand and I have just injured my right toe! Not wanting to panic Kelly with my injury, I just rode off from her hostel and headed back to my hostel, about 800 metres away.

On the way, I realised that I had to ride slowly because the wind was causing pain to my toe, I dared not look, but knew that my toenail was raised up like a car bonnet, waving in the wind. With every wave, there was a sharp jabbing pain transversing from the toe all the way up my thighs. I stopped beside the road leading to my hostel, looked down and saw the inside flesh of my toe. Blood was filling up the exposed flesh and trickling down to the road. I didn't panic but was mighty mad for failing to raise up the motorcycle stand. What luck. How am I going to date Kelly tomorrow morning till the setting of the sun to the raising of the moon? Just then, a car with three giggling girls screeched stopped beside me.
April (the driver): Hey Buaya69, watcha doing here? Makan already ar? Wanna join us? (Giggles giggles from the rest)

Buaya69: Oooo (sounding cool and mischievious), jump into a car with three luscious ladies? Who wouldn't? (I smiled, despite the pain. Pretty girls sure are a sight for sore and bleeding toes). But I can't (sounding sad). It hurts my heart that I have to turn three of you down. You see, I just hurt my toe and I need to get to the clinic fast.

June: Aiyoh, poor thing. Where? (She leaned out from the back passenger window) Eeekk! There's a lot of blood! (June squirms. That exclaimed scream changed the mood of April, May and June. Now they all had serious concerned looks!)

Buaya69: Eh? Nothing lah, just a little accident. No worries, you all go and makan-lah! I won't die ler. (Sounding cool and macho, but that last remark made them even more worried). I will just ride slowly to the clinic and get myself touched up lor. Baiiiiis!

May: But the clinic is so far! And not even sure whether they are opened now!

April: Ya, I can send you there in my car! Get in now! (wooo, there's something sexy about authoritative girls)

Buaya69: No no, I can't. I will just bloodied your car with all this blood. (Another mistake, now they are REALLY worried, their white ashen faces were just so cute! I am having a bit of fun with this really).

May and June simultaneously: No, get in now! (wooooo, now three authoritative girls!)

Buaya69: OK OK, let me park my motorcycle first, meet me at my hostel's shed (which was only another 200 metres away).
After I parked and locked my bike, I limped toward's April's car, which had followed me. May had just opened the front passenger door and prepared to move to the back seat. As I stood at the car door:
Buaya69: Errr, do you have any newspapers? I am really dripping blood lah. (I can see that June is almost going to barf! The sight of my toenail at 90 degrees standing like a flag pole is not a sight for the squirmish)

April: Yes yes I have. (And she quickly placed some newspapers taken from the boot onto the front passenger floor).
As we drove to the clinic, I was making jokes to lighten up the atmosphere in the car, but I was the only one laughing. I suddenly felt sorry for the girls. They were really, really worried for me. Maybe they were afraid that this handsome Buaya69 will die tonight and they will be deprived of a good looking guy to oggle and tease. hehehe ;)

4 minutes later, we reached the university's clinic, and it was dark all around. It was closed!
"Oh no! It's closed! What are we going to do?", despaired May.

Buaya69: Nevermind, don't worry (I said in a calm almost sing song tone). Look, it's only about 9.30pm, maybe we can go to town (which is 10km away) and catch the clinic before it closes?

April: You are right, let's go now! (Wow! Can this girl drive! It normally takes about 25 minutes from the campus to town, but the road has no streetlights and is flanked by secondary jungle and rubber estates, thus it is very dark indeed. I think April took about 15 minutes tops! woowee!).
At the town:
June: Oh no! The clinic here is closed too! What do we do now? (June almost wanted to cry)
At this point, their despair is really getting to me. My foot actually felt very wet with the blood still trickling down my toe. I was hoping that by now the blood will stop flowing by natural clotting process, but maybe the wound was just a tad bigger than normal, thus needed a little bit more time.
Buaya69: Hey hey hey! Cool it girls. Don't worry, I don't feel much pain at all (liar liar bloodied toe on fire). The Lord is with us, right? (April, May and June were my fellow Christian Fellowship (CF) members at the university). April, if you don’t mind, let's just drive to the next town, maybe there's a 24 hour clinic there, or even a sundry shop? I probably just needed some iodine and bandage for the night, tomorrow morning I will go to the clinic, OK?
Funny, here I was the Mr Handsomely Wounded, but instead of being pampered over, I had to calm my 3 sweet girlfriends in the car. Ceh!
Buaya69: The next town is about 30 minutes away, let's pray He provides us a way out.

May: You are right, let's put our trust in the Lord. He will show us a way (said a much calmer May, and it appears to have calmed April and June too) Let's pray… Dear Lord, I pray that etc etc…. (they were so sweet! If I could only hug and kiss all of them then!)
So off we drove to the next town, and again, I cracked more jokes and funny thoughts and of course, started to Buaya all three of them! The atmosphere was much cheerful now and I "kena bambu" from them. For a time, they seemed to have forgotten about my bloodied toe, and were just having fun teasing their handsome senior. Hehehe ;)

At the next town:
April: Oh dear, it looks like every shop is closed, even that clinic is closed!

Buaya69: Wait, I see that the Pharmacy is still opened. Go there quick! They are starting to close the shutters!
We rushed there just in time.
April: Excuse me, could you please help my friend? His toe is seriously injured!

Lady pharmacist: But we are closing already (Yikes! Didn't she hear April? Duh?)

Buaya69: It's OK miss, but could I just buy something to stop my bleeding?

Lady pharmacist: (She looked down at my toe) Errrhhh! (a shocked expression - pause) You need to see a doctor! (Double duh?)

June: We would have but they are all clooossseddd? (hahaha! June was beginning to be exasperated with this pharmacist)

Lady pharmacist: I can't help you, sorry, I am not qualified to administer anything (come to think of it, she appeared a bit pale after looking at my still bloody dripping toe. Maybe she can't stand the sight of blood?)

Buaya69: It's OK miss, I just need some swabs, bandage and iodine to treat the wound. I will get treatment from a clinic tomorrow. Please?
At this, she opened the half closed shutters and ushered us in. For security reasons, she closed the shutters behind us. I limped over to a chair while she went looking for the items I needed. I could see my blood dripping onto the white tiled floor. Under the fluorescent light, April, May and June can now see my wound clearly. I think June is going to barf!
Buaya69: Turn away ladies! Don't stare at my toe please! That's not the handsomest part on this body. Look here! (I pointed at my face. This really cracked them up and May pinched my arm - ouch!)

Lady pharmacist: OK, I have here a bottle of iodine, and some bandage. Let's take a look at that toe shall we? (Wow! Now she's like someone from ER! Cool, I like her, but flat lah)

Buaya69: Ouch! (She touched my toenail! The pain was almost unbearable)

Lady pharmacist: We have to cut your toenail, after that bandage it.

I nodded. My 3 angels have eager and curious looks on their faces now. The pharmacist proceeded to cut my toenail with a scissors... delicately and slowly. Wahlaueh! Pain like shit! (cut cut cut) Quick, do it quickly! Pain pain pain! FUCK!

Lady Pharmacist: Painful?

Buaya69: Ermm, no. It's OK.... I can handle it (macho fella, not the slightest tone of pain in that reply. Fuiyouh! I can really pretend to be macho. My 3 angels looked impressed).

Lady pharmacist: There done (Phew!). Now just let me clean this up with iodine and bandage it. Girls, this is really going to hurt your friend here. Could two of you restrain him?
April and May came and stood beside me and clutched my arms. I was beginning to dread the next phase.... Iodine! Pure purple colour iodine! Boohoohoo! I was crying inside now!
Buaya69: Ah come come, stand beside handsome Buaya69 like James Bond girls (shit! I was still joking away, probably the only way I knew how to lessen my own fears)

Lady Pharmacist: OK girls, hold him tight. (June looked away! And I saw the pharmacist's iodine swab getting closer and closer to the wound. Bam! Shit! Farking shit! The stinging pain just zoomed with lightning speed to my brain, screaming Fucking Painful! Damn it! Arrrrgggghhhh!)
Instead of April and May restraining me, my hands became free due to the shocking pain and I suddenly grabbed them instead! My left hand grabbed April's shoulders as she was kneeling beside me while my right hand grabbed May's bottom! Wooo, nice fleshy bouncy bottom... but I wasn't really enjoying it at that time. I didn't scream like a raging bull having orgasm either... I just gritted my teeth and gave a nice grin of pain.
Lady pharmacist: Hang in there, just a little bit more… (clean clean clean pain pain pain). There! Done!
I released my grip on both April and (relunctantly) May's bouncy bottom (yummy!). A feeling of relieve came over me, but I could still feel the sting from the iodine. My toe now has a really hot burning sensation. May looked worried, and stroked my hair. Nice... April placed her hand on my thigh, rubbing it trying to reassure me. I would have a hard-on if not for the damn pain. Bloody wasted opportunity!

Well, to end a long story, the pharmacist bandaged my toe and June insisted on paying for the iodine and bandages. My toe is now one big purple coloured bandage as it too was soaked in iodine. We went back to the car and threw away the bloodied newspapers at the nearest rubbish bin.

The almost 45 minutes drive back to campus seemed like mere minutes as my mind was quite numbed by the pain. The girls tried to cheer me up and said how strong I was and how cheerful I was in trying to reassure them and that they were so impressed with me, *kembang kembang*. Hehehe, no gory no glory eh?

Back at my hostel, I thanked April, May and June profusely, saying things like "I don't know what would happen if they didn't chance upon me" and mushy mushy stuff like that. Of course, they were very sweet girls and the next few days they came to see me every now and then to make sure that I was OK. We bid each other goodnight and off I went to sleep.

Next day....

To my dismay, the wound did not dry-up the next morning and I could see some pus forming when I opened the bandage. Ewwww! I had to pour iodine unto the wound as antiseptic, and I was beginning to get used to the pain, call me masochistic if you want. I proceeded to the clinic that afternoon and guess what? I got scolded by the Pakistani lady doctor! She screamed that "I should have seen the emergency number and called her!" Shit! It was bloody dark and no one had handphones then (the cheapest was RM4,000 during that era). I didn't care a hoot about what she lectured, I just wanted her to treat my stupid wounded purple coloured toe.

The doctor said that the purple iodine was not appropriate and that my wound will not dry so soon. She gave me a bottle of yellow flavin (i think that's what you call yellow iodine) and some bandages, and asked that I keep the toe dry. Quite a difficult task really - had to shower with my foot in a plastic bag. My toe only dried about 5 days later. Shit... flavin every morning and night for the whole month. Fuh! I was really becoming masochistic!

And Kelly? My sweet sweet Kelly? Let's just say that I got "markah kesian penuh" and I exploited that to the fullest! She delivered hot piping porridge to my hostel every evening for about a week, making all the other hostel guys jealous. Heheheh, a wounded Buaya is a dangerous Buaya indeed. Muahahahar!

Thanks for reading my longest idiotic Buaya69 post yet. Bleh! ;)


hyphenated L said...

wincing throughout your post... where the blardy hell is your uni man?? so ulu aa?? LOL!

teetwoh said...

wah, your bravery goes beyond the physical, man. Takes a brave man to fess up to all that groping and grabbing (externuating circumstances or otherwise!). sure invite trouble from missus one. very brave indeed, bcos I always say only thing worse than a warm beer is a cold wife!

cyber-red said...

huah..so enchantingly..geli!!!

i assume the nail grew back i hope =P

Anonymous said...

hey, the uni sounds like uum, and you sound like my friend......

April, May or June

Gene Lim said...

april, may, june?
cute gals name... heheheh...

so how's ur toe nail now?

water_junk said...

hey i remember this butt grabbing post!

Jason said...

Yaloh, I also! I remember Mrs. B comment also! She said, "Oh, enjoy the butt grabbing moment ler." or something like that.

twinsmom said...

1/4 post--so romantic...
2/4 post--eewwwww....
3/4 post--pain, pain, pain...
4/4 post--ewww...pain...
anyway, guess I know how it was, the doctor drill few holes on my toe nail to squeeze out the blodd from the badly bruise toe *sigh* I got all the attention after I step out from the surgery room.

twinsmom said...

oh, Mrs.B's comment--ROTHLOL...
care to post again Mrs.B?

Belacan said...

hyphen: yes, very very ULU! but we had a lot of FUN, bigtime ;)

teetwoh: hehe, this happened way way b4 i knew my wife. *phew* ;)

Reta: yup, initially cacat a bit but now ok liao like nothing happened. ;)

anon: dear sir/mdm. pls drop me an email pronto! hehehe ;)

genelim: months of the year ;)

water_junk: apa ler, butt grabbing only remembered. ;)

jason: err, errr.. you dangerous leh. a man is nit supposed to remember so many things one you know? hahahaha!

twinsmom: ewwwww! kita sama geng hor? ;)

Philips said...

2 thumbs up !!

If I were you, I think I would have Pengsan'ed' half way, but you acted like Rambo then !!

I like your style !!

Lao Chen said...

Wow... gory details la... Incidentally, the 3 heroienes are named after months of the calendar, one after the other. april may june...

Gab said...

Totally hilarious. Definitely worth the pain, with all the attention you're getting. *wink* Let's hope that Mrs B didn't get jealous. *cheers mate*